freshly burned

Back from Burning Man 2005. Strange year. Much fun, but also much frustration. The law was out in force, rounding up those "damn hippies" and conducting their annual fundraiser by fining anyone who looked at them funny. At the same time, I had an absolutely wonderful, furry, playful, magical time in the Astropups camp. And boy do they have pictures.

My experience this year was in many ways similar to last year's - Remembering Connection. Something about being in a harsh climate with 35,000 astonishingly creative souls really opens up my heart. The defenses fall away and I realize that it's safe to risk smiling, hugging, flirting, or even just being kind to someone else. Interestingly, the repeating gong of the Message From Above came after I returned to the city, when I made the effort to stay connected with pups off the playa. I had some one-on-one time with two travelers who said SF was an easy place to meet lots of new friends. And someone else, a long-term resident, mentioned he could walk in anywhere and know people. It all made me wonder why I haven't made a lot of friends here. A few buddies I hang out with on occasion and several dozen casual acquaintances who flit away like wisps in the night, never to remember my name or face again. It's not like I'm a loner - in Dallas *I* was the one who knew someone everywhere I went, who had dozens of friends, who could organize a party and have 50 or 60 people show up.

Ultimately, it has to do with me, of course. Here, I keep to myself. Out of fear, mostly. Or simplicity. No friends means no pesky phone calls or movie dates or coffee chats, which means more time to myself to play computer games or write or just sit and think (and wonder why I'm so lonely). If I don't make eye contact and smile, then I don't open the door to some broken soul who just wants money, or meds, or bizarre sex, or even just a kind soul to latch onto and suck the life out of. This definitely ain't Dallas.

But the playa reminds me that it's ok to take risks. If I shut everyone out for fear of a few bad encounters, then I shut out the beautiful ones, as well.

So I'm trying a few new tricks. Affection without sex, friendship without fear, smiling at strangers, being open to meeting new people. A casual fuck is far too easy in this city. I'm ready for something for more exciting and dangerous - emotional intimacy. Perhaps this will finally lead to a fulfilling relationship. Perhaps not. No matter. The risk of opening up is worth the journey, regardless of where it ends.