What is Matter?

I saw What The Bleep again last night at the Metreon. Freakin amazing. Blew me away harder than the first time I saw it. This is definitely one of those movies that require multiple viewings. It's packed with goodness. It'll have you sitting in a daze after the last credit rolls away, blown away with a universe of new possibilities you haven't considered before, questioning everything around you.

This is what I saw the night before belt testing.

Tonight I tested for black/red belt, the last one before black belt. As the past several nights of testing have been as well, tonight really and truly sucked ass. The vibe felt like mud. I could tell the moment we started that this would be one of those nights where just getting hyped would be the big accomplishment in itself, much less doing anything impressive.

That's a shame, really. Because when we're on, we're REALLY on, doing some amazing, freaky shit. But tonight, it was mostly about just getting our legs off the ground and not getting hurt.

It was also, for me, probably the greatest success I've ever experienced in a test.

We all have days when the world just feels like "ugh". You want to crawl back into bed or chill in front of the tv or just take it easy. You do NOT want to do mad-sparring with your posse on the dojang dance floor. You do NOT want to be breaking things with your hands. You most definitely do NOT want to be vaulting your 240 pound ass into the air to do any fancy kicks.

So the test is this: in the worst of times, can you still do it? Can you conquer the malaise? Can you create the reality of your CHOOSING and transcend the world you perceive around you?

Most of my testing kinda sucked. I just consider that context for what was to come. I'm glad to say my sparring went pretty well once I made a DECISION to bring up my energy. (Shortly after we started, a friend whispered in my ear, "Bring it up, but keep it under control." Very smart words. Transcend the night, but not so much that I go wild.)

I completed a knife hand break for the first time - someone held the top of the board (only the top, which meant less leverage and required a faster strike) and I sliced it in half. I did it but it hurt like hell. Looking at my fingers now, I have a strange purple bruise covering my FOURTH finger and the inside of my fifth. Bottom line: little bitta energy, lotta brute strength.

Later we stood around a candle, punching and kicking to put it out. Now, this is something I've gotten pretty good at. I can usually punch out a candle on the first try. This is pure energy - no matter how fast you punch or how windy you make it, the damn candle is not going out unless you bring up the energy. Tonight: nothing. Everyone else got it but not me. I never did put that fucking thing out. Well, except when I kicked it across the room by accident.

So there's context. Sitting in a funk on the floor with a big glowing "L" on my forehead, I heard Master Johnson ask who wanted to break. I felt no need to volunteer. I felt complete. Actually, I really, really wanted to mope. But I didn't. I CHOSE to stay present, not thinking about the candle (the past) or a possible break (the future), just observing the present and focusing on my own energy.

As someone else prepared, I decided to try something fun, mostly cuz I was feeling like a smart-ass, as in "if I'm such a loser with a stupid candle, let's see if this energy shit really works." There's a meditation I do that involves sitting in silence for a long period of time until my awareness starts to float up, then transition through several "levels" or states of consciousness. The whole thing takes me awhile nowadays. Or so I thought.

For shits and grins, and to help me get out of my funk about the candle, I decided to see if I could do the transition just sitting there in the middle of testing. So I closed my eyes and started traveling. Instantly, I felt the most amazing thing - a separation of spirit and mind, or spirit and body. My essence, my consciousness, began to travel. It shifted through several layers. For kicks, I sought out this mysterious but magnificent "source" I've encountered several times in the past. And I found out. I allowed it to fill me. I started opening up, feeling a swell of energy through my body. I started shifting.

Cracking open my eyes again, I saw the matrix. The intangible world we pretend is matter, aka the material plane, aka reality.

It's not.

I looked at the room from the perspective of someone not in it, someone sharing not quite the same dimension. Master Johnson must've sensed this, because as the other guy prepared, he suddenly asked if I wanted to do a break. I said sure, mentioning that I wanted to break big bricks.

Big Bricks: extremely heavy, extremely thick, much harder to break than the "small" ones (which are still big and heavy). In the past, I've tried twice to break a stack of 4, and failed both times. At my last testing, we ran out of the big ones and I didn't even get the chance. So for well over a year, I've had an old score to settle. It also means I had a PATTERN of failure that I needed to literally break through.

But I chose not to think about that at the moment. I felt sublime, I felt shifted. Utterly calm. At peace. My awareness sort of layered over the room like looking into a pool of water. I quite unexpectedly felt like if I was to ever break through, now was the time.

And yet, Master Johnson knew what the night was like. Everyone, EVERYONE, had missed their break thus far, needing two or three attempts to make it happen. So he instructed the black belt to set up three big bricks for me, instead of four.

As I prepared, another guy suddenly raised his hand and asked to do a break. He wanted to do four. He also wanted to prove something. It was obvious to everyone paying attention. Master Johnson chuckled and said "Set up 4 bricks". He knew, I knew, others knew, that this break was never going to happen. But the guy needed to experience that. We also knew that it needed to happen before mine.

Sure enough, for all the screaming and sheer strength, it didn't happen for him. 3 bricks, barely cracked, the fourth still unblemished, and one bruised and bleeding hand later, it was my turn. But I'd been bringing up the energy, tapping into this otherworld that I suddenly, after a night of shit, felt access to. Master Johnson saw it. "Four bricks," he said. A point needed to be made. He knew it, I knew it.

No fear. I chose calm. No apprehension. I chose the present. No bricks. I chose clarity. I chose to see past the illusion, to see beyond the veil.

This world IS an illusion, a collective make-believe experiment. We believe this matter exists, but what is it, really? As I prepared, I made a silent prayer: to experience matter as the illusion it is. And as soon as I sent my prayer, my intention outward, I shifted to gratitude, knowing that it's already been answered.

I threw some palm strikes to the floor with a shout. The first shout came from my chest, and I felt it there. The second and third came from my SOURCE, and I felt them there. "That's what I like to hear," said Master Johnson, who felt it also.

Approaching the stack, I chose not to see the bricks. The other students, without exception, touch the stack, feel it, practice a few strikes against the surface. But I chose not to validate the existence of the bricks. Instead, I simply held my hand above it and sent my energy out, through my arm, sensing the bricks, then feeling the bricks NOT THERE. I sent my energy straight through to the floor. I stayed there for a couple of seconds, until I knew a connection with the floor, with nothing in between us.

I felt no emotion, except perhaps amused. I didn't hope, I didn't think, I KNEW that I'd already broken the stack. I KNEW that I was safe and whole. I KNEW that this illusion in front of me meant nothing but dust and air.

As I felt the bricks dissolve under my stream of awareness, something "clicked" and I knew it was time. With another shout from my deepest depths, I put my hand down and passed gently through four bricks. I felt them crumble, one by one, beneath my palm, like breaking the surface of the water. A slight resistance, a slight tingle, as they dissolved under my hand. It all happened in a fraction of a second, yet I still feel it. I passed through the illusion and continued to the floor, where I'd been focused all along.

Eight cleanly sliced pieces fell to the floor. And the room erupted. Despite myself, I cracked a smile. A big one.

This was more than a break to me. It was a validation. As shitty and murky as this night felt, I proved to myself that it didn't matter. I have the power to break through far more than concrete.

I also proved that I am my own man. It was to be the only successful break tonight. Others after me tried, but it just wasn't happening. For several, it didn't happen at all - the first brick might as well have been solid steel. But for me, everything came together perfectly. Perhaps because I didn't have the chance to get nervous? Or perhaps because I was so shifted that I wasn't even there anymore. It all feels like a dream. And my hand felt so, so good after the break. Like a massage or a mineral bath. Safe and whole (though my fingers are still traumatized from the previous break).

In the end, I turned a night of failure into a night of firsts. And also reinforced, THROUGH EXPERIENCE, the knowledge that we do indeed have the power to transcend this material existence. And that's what it takes - first-hand experience. Reading is nice. Learning is even better. But to truly feel it takes experience.

So now the big question: what next?